Category Archives: Humor

It’s a Tom Robbin’s Kind of Day…!

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What if you lived in a land that executed its rulers at their first sign of old age. A wrinkle? Poison it is for you! A grey hair? Down falls the axe! Luckily, unless you’re a professional super model, this doesn’t really apply to you. What if you were a king who defied these laws and escaped–only to spend the rest of your magically LOOOOOONG life seeking immortality. And messing around with Pan. Yep, the goaty one. That’s Jitterbug Perfume for you.

“The unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. You get to take yourself oh so very seriously.”

Or, in the case of Still Life with Woodpecker, you are a lovely redheaded princess in modern day America. You live in a moldering old house with your doddering sovereign parents and your batty old nursemaid. Then, during a vacation to Hawaii, you fall in love with a self-proclaimed outlaw. A snaggle-toothed ginger terrorist with dynamite strapped to him. Seriously.

My dear friends Merri and Peter introduced me to Tom Robbins, and out of all the books I’ve adopted from them, TR is by far my favorite author. His unusual and sometimes vulgar writing style is vastly entertaining and his metaphors are so strange yet so… right…that you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of them yourself.

Jitterbug Perfume was a pretty dense read compared to Still Life with Woodpecker, and had a few more dry spots. However, that being said, they both earn 4 out of 5 Camel cigarettes and drops of horny goat elixir.

Baaaaaa….

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Good Omens by Neil Gaiman & Terry Prachett

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At only 25 years of age, I’ve apparently lived through at least three widely touted “end of the world” dates. Y2K, the 2011 Rapture, and December 2012. Man… think of how much I would’ve saved on car insurance if I’d switched to Oblivion!

Good Omens (the collaboration of two literary masterminds–Gaiman and Prachett) details the events leading up to the infamous Rapture as predicted by the centuries-dead witch Agnes Nutter. It switches back and forth from a multitude of perspectives, including an unlikely demon and angel duo–who have come to enjoy the pleasures of earth quite a bit thankyouverymuch, a descendent of Agnes Nutter, a descendent of a famous witch hunter, the boy who should’ve been the Antichrist, and the four “horsemen” of the apocalypse. (The four horsemen were absolutely badass and totally my favorite characters!)

With G&P at the helm, one could expect nothing less than an old-fashioned story told in a modern British voice–with more than a twist of dry humor. I’ve realized that part of the genius of NG’s story-telling ability is that he makes it seem so effortless and simple that you catch yourself thinking, I could write just like that! And then wahwahwahhhhh, you can’t.

The story was readable but I wouldn’t necessarily call it a page-turner. My only real complaint was that the multitude of characters sometimes made it hard to remember where you were in the story the following morning. Oh yeah, and I thought the ending had a distinct lack of action. Boo.

3 Freddie Mercury tapes of 5


Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea & Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler

Phew. That’s a lot of Chelseas. Especially when you consider these books are being reviewed by a Chelsea too! I’ve been casually following Chelsea Handler’s work since her days on the Girls Behaving Badly show. It used to really crack me up in my teen years. My roommate and I even enjoyed watching her show Chelsea Lately whenever we caught it, reveling in her sarcastic-bitch sense of humor. I love that. I find mean people hilarious. And she’s mean. And probably an alcoholic.  

I read My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands a few years back and found it pretty amusing. What’s not to love about a collection of casual sex stories? She should’ve called it, A Series of Unfortunate Decisions. Lmao. I recall a circus midget being in one of the stories. Really.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t so fond of either of these two books.

I read Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang in one day, because it’s a really easy read. I do appreciate that about Chelsea’s writing. Both of these books follow her traditional format of each chapter being a humorous story that stands alone. But, the stories in CCBB just seemed a little too self-appreciative and not as funny as the improv banter on her show. This book just kind of gave the impression of “I’m rich and funny, laugh at me!”

When I was finished, I remembered that I had Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea on my Kindle, so I promptly started that. I found this one slightly more amusing and less ego-stroking than CCBB. This one was written beforehand, so maybe she wasn’t quite as full of herself during this time. A lot of drunken craziness ensues, which I’m all for, but it somehow just isn’t that funny. I only laughed aloud a couple of times in each book, and it wasn’t ever because of the punchline of a story–more for random strange things like referring to her fat father as “Platypus.”

I still love you, Chelsea, and I’ll continue to watch your show–but my girlfriends and I have been known to have more wild nights than your books illustrate, with a fraction of the money and only a drop of ego.

3 Ketel One and Lemons of 5


You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News by the Editors of Cracked.com

I might be a zombie? Hmm… No news to me. Have you seen me when I first wake up? It’s not pretty. Rearranged face, creepy guttural noises, vacant stares, uncontrollable rage, the urge to kill–you know, the usual.

For years the editors of Cracked.com have entertained us and even taught us a thing or two (not to mention brought a WELCOME distraction from that whole day job charade…) Shoot, the first sentence of the book is “YOU have been the victim of a conspiracy to make the world around you more boring than it actually is.”

It’s true. I feel personally victimized.

In You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News doesn’t read like a novel. It’s formatted like the website, with amusing lists and witty lingo hiding factual information underneath all the dirty talk. Pretty much exactly how my friends and I speak, only more awesome. Seriously, if our college professors had spoken like this… Well let’s just say we’d all have stayed awake in class a lot more often.

Some of the “chapter/list” subheadings are:

  • Five Stories About Jesus’s Childhood They Had To Cut Friom The Bible (To Avoid An NC-17 Rating)
  • Five Horrifying Food Additives You’ve Probably Eaten Today
  • Four Great Women Buried By Their Boobs
  • Five Wacky Misunderstandings That Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust
  • Five Beloved U.S. Presidents The Modern Media Would Never Let Into The White House

Plus tons of other chapters about childbirth, bugs, weapons of mass destruction, medical practices, the zombie apocalypse, and cartoons–just to name a few.

I read the majority of this book while on the 5am train to Paris and while most other people were doing this:

I was busy laughing out loud. (Which I can assure you, hardly ever happens from books or TV).

AND to top it all off, I learned what a freaking badass Teddy Roosevelt was and that Abraham Lincoln had a terribly high-pitched voice, plus a bunch of other randomly weird stuff.

A new fav. Good job, Cracked Team!

5 lightning guns of 5


Don’t Be That Guy by Colin Nissan & Sean Farrell

We all know a guy. A really annoying, terrible one who probably never gets laid. And somehow just can’t quite fathom why his Chewbacca noises and never-ending sports statistics fail to panty-drop. It’s because he doesn’t know he’s THAT GUY.

Nissan and Farrell chronicle (and illustrate) 60 different horrible examples of manhood, with the advice. “Don’t be that guy.” They also advise that upon reading their book, you may smile, you may laugh, then you may turn the page and have that grin drop right off your face.

Yep, honey. You’re that guy. 

Maybe you’re the one who still thinks doing Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions is still funny. (It isn’t.)

Maybe you’re the one who likes to stand right next to other guys at the urinal and strike up a conversation. (That’s creepy.)

Maybe you’re the one who thinks that stripper actually likes you. (She doesn’t.)

Or maybe you’re the one who brags about his number of female conquests–including hookers. (You’re gross.)

You are sleazy and annoying and no one wants to be your friend or date you. And if you have friends or a girlfriend, either they’re also a THAT GUY or they’re just tolerating your bad behavior.

You get the drift.

You’re kind of a douche.

This book made me laugh out loud a couple of times and then mentally tally up the guys I knew that matched some of these descriptions. (It’s not looking good, people.)

Please, for the love of all that is holy, if you are THAT GUY or you know THAT GUY–read this book. Change your ways. Isn’t the world already filled with enough bad things?

3 stripper-loving, AHNULD-sounding, hooker-screwing douchebags of 5